Adventures in Photoshop!

I've been trying to re-familiarize myself with all of these programs that I thought I used to know. Photoshop, for example: back in 1999 (when I think most of the gruntwork within the Photoshop program was done by one of those Flitstones style woodpeckers who, when one opened up the computer to look at the code would shrug and say "it's a living!") I thought I owned this furggin program. Now it's all I can do to bevel an edge and fuck with gradient overlays.

I feel very, very old.

At any rate, here is a totally untouched and unedited snippet from a recent 700 club. True story!

And for those who do not believe that this is untouched and unedited, may that certain Satan with whom you've made your deal happily tap-dance 'pon your bloody balls while hellz funky brimstone flame tickles the hair off your ass.

(If you don't have balls, god doesn't want you reading anyway, so take whatever critique you've prepared and mail it to Idi Amin) 

An exquisite milk glass sheep figurine!

I’ve recently stumbled upon a hilarious discovery: I have no skills whatsoever. Neither skills that thrill nor skills that fulfill nor any facility with belt sanders, glue-guns, decoupage, or power drills. Verily do I lack even the skills to pay the bills, and while I’m getting much better at thanking my charming and successful wife for her veritable bucketful of lucrative talent, flattery can only take me so far.

I’m so-so at allowing my mouth to write checks that my ass cannot cash, however, and in that spirit I jumped headlong into a month-long conversation between said wife and said wife’s splendid cousin, Elaine. These two, it seems, are not content to succeed merely within their own respective skillsets, and have decided to branch out into the world of e-commerce. “Well shit,” said I, still licking the wounds of my most recent failed attempt at gainful employment, “maybe I can help on this end.” After all, I farted around with computers for a while, and thought that maybe a li’l blog hither and some AppleScript work yon could boost my ego to a level which at least might encourage me to leave the house every now and again.

Failing that, at least I might get out of my pajamas once or twice a week.

So far I’m doing more harm than good, both to myself and to the store. Owing to a general incompetence combined with an experimental courtship me and my shrink are having with various pharmaceutical cocktails (apparently, sleepless periods of hyper-quixotic planning followed by days and days wherein I leave the bed only to pee and fix a little Ramen do not average out into what the psychiatric community refer to as “stabilized”), I’ve dropped every ball tossed in my general direction. I managed to purchase a few domain names we don’t need and thus double pay for those we might use in the future, I’ve broken an exquisite milk glass sheep figurine, and I’ve delayed the creation and sale of all sorts of clever WorstShop items because of some “big ideas” that’d speed up the process while at the same time making the process easier.

And this thing here, this blog: haHA! The first three attempts to customize a blog were spectacular abortions, and while I support the right to choose, I never expected to find myself in the stirrups so frequently.

And see, that there’s another misstep, right there: Bro, do you really wanna inaugurate this blog with a tin-eared abortion joke which has, as its “punchline” (is it really a punchline if there’s no humor there?) the misappropriation of a traditionally gender-specific experience?

Fuck it. I’ve already insinuated myself into the process, so I might as well proceed heedlessly and heedlessly.

So.

I hereby state my intention to post to this here blog with some frequency, to use the word “insinuate” questionably, and to help Billie and Elaine until they cannot take any more help.

Vintage 60s white and goldtone beaded evening or bridal handbag purse

This purse is beaded in white bugle beads and pearlized white seed beads. It has a goldtone square brushed metal rim with a decorativve kiss closure that easily snaps open and closes very securely. The strap is a goldtone chain that can be doubled or pulled out to a single layer. The inside is lined with textured white satin. It has a little pocket inside for a lipstick or maybe a small compact or cell phone. It is lightly padded. It still has the tag inside which reads "Hand made in Hong Kong." There are a few spots along the rim where the beads have rubbed off some of the gold finish, but this is not noticeable in most light. There are no missing beads or loose threads. It is a gorgeous little purse that has been well cared for and looks like it has been hardly used.

The purse itself measures 8x5 inches. The length of the whole thing when hanging is 12 or 18 inches, depending on how you choose to arrange the chain.

Vintage 60s white and goldtone beaded evening or bridal handbag purse

Vintage 80s Circular Light Goldtone Swirl Brooch

Lovely vintage 80s brooch is slightly lighter in color than other goldtone metal jewelry.

At about one inch by one-and-a-quarter, this slight ellipse begins thin and torques slowly and slightly as it caracoles its way into a more robust and interestingly near-tear-like inner-conch terminus.

There are some minor indentations along the spine or crest of the piece that are nearly invisible if one is not looking for such marks specifically and under magnification.

Vintage 80s Circular Light Goldtone Swirl Brooch

Rad Denim Dude Doll -- 1988

It's Dude, boyfriend of Jazzie, cool teen cousin of Barbie! He doesn't get a name. He's just Dude. Check him out in his rad denim look! My favorite look for Dude it the denim shorts and denim jacket with no shirt. And that New Kids on the Block hairstyle is just so totally tubular!

The box has never been opened, and has a few flaws like scratches on the plastic and some tiny marks on the cardboard.

Rad Denim Dude Doll -- 1988