DEAR CYCLOPS BABY JESUS

Introduce yourself, if you would.

Is it really up to me to introduce myself?

Who else?

John the Cyclops Baptist, for starters.

Well, he had a run in with one-legged Salome, and may be detained.

That dude’s always late.

Anyway.

Don’t rush Cyclops Baby Jesus.

So what qualifies you to dispense biblical advice?

I have the same accreditation as Dr. Kent Hovind, and he’s a doctor.

Anything else?

Besides my virgin birth?

Besides that.

I have a passing familiarity with the Christian Bible, and an encyclopedic knowledge of the Miley Cyrus catalog.

All of it?

All of it.

Even the underground G.G. Allen years?

Piercings and all, bro.

What can we expect from your advice column?

Advice.

Anything make your counsel particularly special?

You’re awfully pushy.

Some call it “curious.”

I call it pushy.

Fair enough. What, dear sweet monocular saviorbaby, can the reading public expect from your column.

Advice that is biblicaly pure. Or is it "biblically?" Anyway, it'll be bible-based, and it'll be pure.

Pure?

Pure, fucker.

Anything else?

No.

Should I edit out these last few lines then?

No.

You sure?

Yes.

Direct your questions to cyclopsbabyjesus@gmail.com, and keep it clean. Unless you can’t. In which case, filth it up, I guess.

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